just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
