My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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