Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
