when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
