Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
