Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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