Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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