I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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