Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
