Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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