You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
