Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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