You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
