I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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