For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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