I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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