i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
