I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize