i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
