i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
