I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
being pregnant is like rehab
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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