So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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