i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
