Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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