today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
