dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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