my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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