Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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