I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
