I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
