So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
