made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
