Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
