community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
