9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
