best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
