Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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