I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize