my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
