you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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