Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
