You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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