dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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