I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
