he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
