i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
