i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
