sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I love having hate sex.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
