i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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