i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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