She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
