I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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