if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Randomize