I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
