Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
