You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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