I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
