There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
