A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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