apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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