I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize