Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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