i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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