just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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