Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
